What is in your power to change, you have got in motion. Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. At least you can still talk to her about it, and that can help lead to some breakthroughs. I was raised as the oldest child of a single mum who often struggled to cope. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. That kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage. Instead, I want you to know how much I love you. . Also, I love my mom sooooo much, she is my best friend but it does get difficult navigating the resentful feelings because they sneak up on me when I think about the past and I get confused how to respond to those feelings. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. I relate to you and this vent so deeply, I am struggling with the same feelings right now. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. You don't owe them anything. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday You called my child naughty. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! And I hope you're doing okay now and in a better situation, if you ever need to reach out to anybody feel free to dm me as well! I will not lose my sense of self like you have. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. 15/03/2015 14:04. Id say resentment is pretty warranted. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. She only tells your father what she knows he needs to hear to go along with her behavior. The core conflict in the daughter whose mother didn't love her remains between her continuing need for the love and support she missed and her need to protect, heal, and reclaim her authentic self. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. You shunned me and made me feel shame and ashamed for something I didnt do. For years, I thought she was as under his thumb as his five children were and that she had no choice but to take his side. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); The narcissist convinces them with manipulation tactics like gaslighting and projection that they are the ones at fault for any problems in the relationship. An old person cant spend his final years there. . Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. Speaking up to parents, holding them accountable, saying anything other than, Thank you is another strong break from the norms. I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. It wasnt right. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. Of course, you couldnt have. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. Please review our rules before interacting again. Its impossible to begin to understand the dynamics of your parents relationship when you are a child, and it remains difficult even in adulthood; we never become peers, but always remain offspring, limited in our view of their marriage by the relationship we have to them and the fact that we weren't around when their connection began and they settled into their roles as spouses. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. If so, how did that go? All of it hard, forging ahead where others dare not go, and dont understand because they have not suffered, been in chains as if captive. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. Im Patricia, and my mother is a narcissist, so I know what youre going through. I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. I feel like I'm in/was in a similar boat. I cant believe how similar your story is to mine. A hug would have been a good start. The appellations of good or bad mother are never helpful. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission, which supports our community. Its not at all uncommon for children of narcissists to be trauma-bonded. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. She wants to keep you under her thumb as long as she possibly can. Thank you for your comment though, it is appreciated. I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. I'm mad that she died and he lived. They might also be narcissists or they might be enablers who are targeting others so the narcissist wont come after them. I really dont trust my mom and now I wonder if she ever spit in my food and did other things like that as I really dont trust that witch of a mother. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. Scribbles about social issues and personal life. Every excuse I made for him was in my mom's voice. Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. I could never blame my mother truly, and I'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade. My mom, who normally ruled with an iron fist and an angry slap, became undone at the notion that she had lost control of one of her eight children. No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. Squirm- this is the only feeling that my heart feels when I think of my mother. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. This is what Greta shared: I totally see my mother as the victim, and while Im unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she cant help it because my father is super-controlling. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. . These are such difficult but necessary things to do. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. However, more than anything, moral courage requires the ability and willingness to risk doing the right thing even though others might disapprove of or exclude you, writes Dr Stephanie Fagin-Jones. But I cant change the past. Sia Cooper, 33, became a personal trainer after losing 45lb she put on while working as a nurse. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. She absolutely saw the emotional damage, and she didnt lift a finger in protest. I was also waiting to be punished by God! I look at my family today and I know that if I did half, hell even a tenth of what NDad did, my wife would leave me and take the kids with her to protect them without even a second thought. When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse. You are pretending like it didnt happen, like I wasnt hurt in the worst possible way. and our The damage done is too much and she refuses to hold herself accountable and change as she can not empathize. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. And it can leave you feeling down, or . Parents can make or break the mental stability of their children. JavaScript is disabled. I want you to acknowledge all the pain that this continues to cause me, but I dont think you have the strength. Understanding is hugely important because of all of the ways we adapted to toxic treatment, and whatever coping mechanisms we took on end up getting in the way of our healthy thriving as adults. However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. I could never forgive her for it. Fast-forward to present day. My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. Not really because it was triggering, ughh, maybe it was. Im sorry you had to grow up with that family life its so damaging. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. Except my parents are still together. Why did he exclusively target me over her? There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. Learn Some Helpful Tips And Tricks To Help You Get That Green Thumb. Years of depression, hopelessness and eating disorders have plagued me. I was the youngest of 5 and got the worst of it, they had me when my mom was 40 and my dad was 50. A letter to My mother, who didnt protect me from abuse I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Composite: Guardian I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. She never asks about the divorce proceedings and will talk about the weather and how this cousin or that relative looked gorgeous at her wedding. In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. Press J to jump to the feed. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. just how you can recover and live a happy life. If I messed up, shed go on and on how I was a failure. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? She was an abusive mother and an abusive wife! The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. When you prioritize your needs and set strong boundaries with any abusers in your life, that opens a space for compassion and forgiveness which is vital for your mental and physical health. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic mother to abuse her children. There were probably times when you did feel her love, but there were other times that have left you with ongoing flashbacks. I had called the cops many a times, only to see the drunkards running away whenever they chose to pass slurs in my direction. link to 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, link to 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, link to 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. I hope you can look forward and be okay even after such an upbringing, I know how difficult and burdening it is but I wish you the best in life, truly. It disgusts me. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? Love you fueled and angry who often struggled to cope, we may earn an commission... Our community to smooth over the damage she was an abusive wife understand you... Cookies and similar technologies to provide you with ongoing flashbacks similar technologies to for. All uncommon for children of narcissists to be punished by God and Sexless get older I! Every excuse I made for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother for a long time he! 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